Right now, I am trying not to give in to the urge to hurt myself. I have done a lot of stupid things lately, knowingly and yet, it didn't seem like any of it could have been avoided. Somehow, I ended up skipping classes again (sheer terror, not neglect) and then, in bed with someone (with a vagina). On Thursday, I was literally dry heaving before classes. The messed up part is that my motivation for being here is not about the future, it's being liked, accepted by people. So, freaking out gets compounded by projected self-hatred. Then, this sweet girl appears, a friend, and then, well, you know...
I can no longer trust my own judgment and I look at religion and feel so cynical about God, too. There are so many voices. What happens when you can't even figure out who you are, what you need to do to get your act together, much less tackle questions of "ultimate concern"...
Who am I? Why do I exist? Why am I here, alive, in VA, in college? And what-the-fuck-was I thinking this past week?
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