It is a good day. The week was relatively good (however foggy). The sleep study was fun, the technician and I cracked some jokes. And no crazy doctors thrill killed me (see the movie Pathology to get the reference. perhaps the creepiest movie I've ever seen).
I've been sleeping!!!!!!
And, before I thought I was just straight up crazy. Living even three or four days ago seemed like breathing through a bullet hole, if that makes any sense. But maybe this was just an attribution error (this may just be the best word ever!!!!!) and it was just sensory deprivation. "Circadian arrhythmia". No wonder my mind sounded like a wheel squeaking like it was gonna fall off, it probably was.
There is a chance that sleep matters and that I'm not categorically defunct, or, "flat-out fucked" (thank you, Elizabeth Wurtzel). Hmm....
*let's think about this, shall we?*
Anyway, today, I volunteered to face paint for my church's Easter celebration for neighborhood kids. The "eggstravaganza" was a lot of fun. Paint got everywhere. And kids are too cute even sans paint. Yay!
I discovered The Inclusive Bible!!!
The Bible. Translated by Catholic clergy (of both sexes) into egalitarian, non-sexist, language. It might seem like heresy to call Jesus God's Only Begotten instead of the traditional "Only Begotten Son" but it is so helpful in more ways than one.
Am I the only "good, Christian girl" who feels alienated from passages in the Bible which speak of "mankind"? Even if, in reality, it, unlike the constitution, actually means "humankind"?
There's a verse in which Jesus calls God your "loving God" instead of "Heavenly Father" and I literally bawled. For joy. Because, as our lovely post modern philosophers point out, language is not fixed. And, certain words have accrued such cultural baggage they're not even what the original writer intended. When somebody says "father" to me, I hear "distant, scary yelling guy", but, you know, in the sky. By and by.
"Loving God". Well, that is somewhat easier to conceive. "Loving God", in that moment, meant both mother and father, friend and lover, savior and redeemer, rabbi, and this meager construct of language just ripped my intellectual sky in two. Just like the curtain in the temple.
Reading this Bible, I glimpsed Jesus, not just His "Name." (Neither as a curse word or manipulative tool to compel belief or conformity.) It was like He was there tangibly, inviting me into the sun, into loving and being loved. It was like drinking cool water after being in unbearably hot weather. Like looking through Jesus as window to God, to everything. The historical and cosmic Christ in one.
The words both included and transcended His presence. Near me? In me?
It seems so ethereal. Speaking of spiritual experiences is nearly impossible. But, really, that moment was no doubt the meaning of Easter. God alive. God with us. (ok, that's Christmas. So what?)
Hallelujah. Since then, I've been ridiculously happy, at peace.
And, as life is wont to do, these recent experiences got me thinking. In one of my classes, we're studying religion and spirituality. Religion was defined as seeking significance through a search for the sacred and, spirituality as the search for the sacred. I started thinking about "church" and the eggstravaganza. And how contrived it seems to sit in a building to commune with a being who is supposedly everywhere. Why didn't we go outside and look at the sky, sit in the breeze?
But, then, I thought, if we are together, we are All together. A pot luck or kitschy celebration with Friends is infinitely better than being alone even watching a sunrise...(and sunrises are amazing!)
Yay panentheism! lol.