Tuesday, July 28, 2009

A No Brainer!

It's no surprise that I have been "working out my salvation with fear and trembling." It might seem from the outside it's too much work to keep going. Though, it's not unlike being starving and denying oneself food. If you eat, you get energy. Life is easier when you're stomach isn't growling.  

Lately, I've been dying of hunger spiritually speaking. And, the energy required to reconcile life and faith has been exhausting. Something did not compute, not with the God who promised rest and an easy yoke. "EASY!?! Ha!" I scoffed, "This is hard as Hell!" 

Then, one day, I cracked. Got on a message board and reached out to fellow pilgrims. I talked about being both in the Christian and LGBT communities. That act alone, the reaching out, plus the prayers they sent up which I have felt, have been making all the difference. The act of surrendering and being somewhat transparent with others. 

It's all come together. The other night I was told by Mark and Willis I needed to "make a decision." Then, Cindy came over and kept telling me to "decide to trust God." Later that day, stuff about "trust" came up. Like Kierkegaard's "leap of faith", one has to just do it. 

Jesus' directive to "follow Me" has seemed like terrible work. Then, I prayed for the first time in months. Really prayed. And before that, it had been years. Fear of rejection is no excuse for not spending time with God. And for years, it has been my reason. What if He didn't talk back? What if I would be left alone? What if He isn't real. Or, worse, what if He is and wants to play a game? 

So, I'm praying thinking about what it meant to "follow." Move to Africa as a missionary? Follow all 612 OT laws? Get exorcised for being bi? 

Then, I heard a voice. Ok, not a literal voice, but a thought which resonated clearly and loudly in my spirit. "You will pray to me everyday!" 

Right now, this is His will for me. Duh. I mean, you have to talk to those you love. But still. It was nice to have a specific, not amorphous, directive. Pray. Sit with Me. Trust Me enough to have a conversation. 

Because, I realized, if I do this, He will be there. Eternal life, Jesus said, was knowing God and Jesus, the One He has sent.

Heaven is possible everyday. 

In other news, I need to find somewhere to volunteer. I'm thinking Samaritan's House, to help women and families which have dealt with abuse. 

Jaqui will drive! Yay!

On another note, has anyone heard this song? When R and I went out the other day, the chorus got hella stuck in my head. The lyrics describe this post perfectly. And my life. 

"If your friend tells you he loves you, DO NOT PUNCH!"

Wednesday, July 15, 2009


I'm confused.

I'm a conservative with a liberal worldview. Simultaneously, I believe what I always have, and yet, I have adjusted to the complexities of life. Right now, I feel I must follow my thoughts to their logical conclusions...

A lot of new stuff has happened since I last blogged. There has been job searching and networking with the Department of Rehabilitative Services. A sweet girl named Jaqui is now working as my aide, basically a chauffeur and this has been fun.

Independence is neat. 

Today, my brother got yelled at for not wanting to marry his pregnant fiance until he has a job. On one hand, marriage seems like a good idea. Ironically, the reason he doesn't want to "make her an honest woman" is because he feels like without a job, without being an adequate "provider", he cannot marry her. It's a weird catch-22 and as much as my parents hate the fact that he doesn't want to make the official, legal commitment, I don't think they understand the fact he won't get married yet stems from the same motivation which compels him to seek marriage. 

I will file this under "patriarchy hurts men too" section.

Anyway, it's making me ponder the nature of marriage, of commitment. For all intents and purposes, he is married. He never leaves her side, they make decisions together, they have a child on the way. Their lives are so enmeshed and bundled up together, and everyone knows this, that I can't help but wonder if, in the truest sense of the world, they are already committed in a way that needs no piece of paper.

Not that "making it legal" wouldn't have its advantages. Benefits, benefits, benefits...

In the Bible, whenever anyone ever had sex, it was seen as a promise made with the body, that if the couple were caught, the man would have to pay the father of the woman the "bride price". As archaic and sexist, it begs the question if, in the eyes of God, if sex=marriage. 

Wow. The implications of this. 

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

This Night Has Opened My Eyes...

"I'd like to argue that we don't have faith in God at all. We have faith in our own faith rather than the God who transcends it, faith in a faith that will somehow save us." --David Dark, RELEVANT Magazine.

Dan Savage has turned me, of late, into an agnostic. He's "culturally Catholic" and sexually progressive. And, his emphasis on honesty and integrity has shaken me. 

You see, people can be full of such bullshit. 

And, because I'm in the in-group, I can say this, Christians claim a lot of bullshit. That evolution does not exist on the word of an ancient creation poem. That all things are blue printed before hand. That God will answer prayer the prayer of an American searching for a parking spot but would deny the request of a dying Darfurian refugee. 

One might find the story of Jesus bullshit. Here, the idea of God reaching down and becoming human doesn't shake me. Of course, according to Savage, I would be naive and easily appeased. But a story of such love strikes me as true. Honest. Grace, being known completely and being loved completely seems true. An archetype. Everyone's heart swells when they see acts of heroism, when somebody shoves the kid out of the way of the bus. Everybody wants to be that person. Everybody aspires to love and be loved, to give to be given to. 

But the other bullshit just ain't flying. My bullshit detector is honed to perfection. The fact that Christians live in denials has been intellectually dishonest. And, if being a Christian required such suspension of disbelief, I didn't know if I could do it.

And, in a weird way, I wanted to get completely naked and yell at God (I do this a lot). I wanted to say that "this is me. I can't lie and pretend. Take me or leave me!" 

This is where we get it wrong I think. We think we have to get it right. That we have to be something we can't be. And that's the rub. We don't.

Tonight, I opened the RELEVANT I was too scared to open; it's sat on my desk for two weeks (an article on abortion...).

God and I do this. I get all pissy and hide. And He gets this stern, loving look on His face. Then, She speaks and allays the misgiving. 

I found an article about doubt and how God welcomes that hard honesty; S/He was like "let us reason together."

I love when S/He speaks, it's not always about what S/He says, but that S/He says things. Or, speaks at all. I missed Zir. 

And my eyes were washed, and I got my sense of balance again.

They say 3 a.m is a spiritual time. I think it is. 

I missssssssed Zir (just like a certain other person *sighs*)...

I can't wait until Sunday. Mark and I are going to MCC. They don't stone the queer.