Wednesday, July 1, 2009

This Night Has Opened My Eyes...

"I'd like to argue that we don't have faith in God at all. We have faith in our own faith rather than the God who transcends it, faith in a faith that will somehow save us." --David Dark, RELEVANT Magazine.

Dan Savage has turned me, of late, into an agnostic. He's "culturally Catholic" and sexually progressive. And, his emphasis on honesty and integrity has shaken me. 

You see, people can be full of such bullshit. 

And, because I'm in the in-group, I can say this, Christians claim a lot of bullshit. That evolution does not exist on the word of an ancient creation poem. That all things are blue printed before hand. That God will answer prayer the prayer of an American searching for a parking spot but would deny the request of a dying Darfurian refugee. 

One might find the story of Jesus bullshit. Here, the idea of God reaching down and becoming human doesn't shake me. Of course, according to Savage, I would be naive and easily appeased. But a story of such love strikes me as true. Honest. Grace, being known completely and being loved completely seems true. An archetype. Everyone's heart swells when they see acts of heroism, when somebody shoves the kid out of the way of the bus. Everybody wants to be that person. Everybody aspires to love and be loved, to give to be given to. 

But the other bullshit just ain't flying. My bullshit detector is honed to perfection. The fact that Christians live in denials has been intellectually dishonest. And, if being a Christian required such suspension of disbelief, I didn't know if I could do it.

And, in a weird way, I wanted to get completely naked and yell at God (I do this a lot). I wanted to say that "this is me. I can't lie and pretend. Take me or leave me!" 

This is where we get it wrong I think. We think we have to get it right. That we have to be something we can't be. And that's the rub. We don't.

Tonight, I opened the RELEVANT I was too scared to open; it's sat on my desk for two weeks (an article on abortion...).

God and I do this. I get all pissy and hide. And He gets this stern, loving look on His face. Then, She speaks and allays the misgiving. 

I found an article about doubt and how God welcomes that hard honesty; S/He was like "let us reason together."

I love when S/He speaks, it's not always about what S/He says, but that S/He says things. Or, speaks at all. I missed Zir. 

And my eyes were washed, and I got my sense of balance again.

They say 3 a.m is a spiritual time. I think it is. 

I missssssssed Zir (just like a certain other person *sighs*)...

I can't wait until Sunday. Mark and I are going to MCC. They don't stone the queer.


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