I don't know how to change the pattern, how to redirect the rumination into hope or health or happiness. I don't know how to stop trying to justify my existence. It feels like I'm dying, or a part of me is dying.
All I know is that it's going to be ok. Even after this moment, I am certain that hope is out there, that God is out there. That life can be trusted. That people can be trusted. It is no accident that one gets exactly what one needs when she needs it. It is no accident that people are kind. And that love exists.
It is no accident that sunrises are exquisite and that music is soothing and that food nourishes. And that strangers and friends reach out. And that forgiveness is possible. Given and received. And that this moment is only one of billions and that night gives in to morning and that the heart knows, it knows, what is true. What is healthy, good, and helpful.
I have to have faith; Not only because it is necessary for survival, but also because it is true!