Things are going back up. The big difference is sleeping. Some people get thrown off by the weather. Some people can't handle their alcohol. Without sleep, I am a nut case. It's just not good. So, I've been sleeping. And while some of my issues are perennial, sleeplessness intensifies the crazy one hundred thousand percent.
Doing art work has been another good change. I've gotten into art work, some weird found sculpture. Not only is it a fun, relaxing activity, it's also satisfying and meaningful---to create something tangible and beautiful. Culture pivots on it's artists. So much is said, even without words necessarily. It is nourishing. And someone else might benefit from the work, which is its aim anyway.
And then, I saw people. Namely, Mark, my bff/fag to my haggotry. We spent several, stupefyingly silly days together. And it was all good.
Weirdly enough, my father, lately, has been amazingly sweet and loving. One day, he brought "his favorite girls" flowers. Turns out, he had a revelation a several weeks ago and realized how much he loves me and how he has hurt me. It's been nearly a 180 shift. It's brought so much healing and joy. Another instance of grace.
Consequently, I've been happier. And I'm making peace with God, life, and sexuality. God loves us. A lot. I realize how much grace has been present. It will still be a long journey, though, to find shalom. But He knows everything and loves anyway. My dad is a miracle. Mark is a miracle. Love and happiness are miracles...
I have determined to rest in that, and have also decided to "crucify belief", to hold belief in abeyance in the search for truth; so often "orthodoxy" muddies truth instead of clarifying and helping one understand. Words like justification, expiation, trinity, propitiation, with their cultural baggage, have done nothing but distance me from things like "salvation" (relationship with God through Jesus) and God's compassion, forgiveness, and love.
As for my sexuality, I really feel like I need to accept myself. R (or TGF as Mark and I have referred to her in surreptitious discussion around the house) is my girlfriend. And friend. And I love her. I love how kind she is, and how generous, and how creative and how she is yet another facet of grace in my life.
Just to let you know, I don't think homosexuality is wrong. Or, at least, modern homosexuality (it was way different in the old school).
This is not just because I'm bisexual (or, pansexual/queer). I did some research on the Bible which made me think twice and also found whosoever.org...the website flipped me out because it was so kind and inclusive and "grace-filled." Trapped with the acceptance which has floored me from God Himself. The LGBT folk on that cite exhibit a hundred times the grace of other "Christian" sites.
Besides, the relationship with Rachel is making me happy. Not just the giddy, excited "abducted by aliens" kind (though that too), but it's also inspiring me. We get each other, nurture one another. She is a beautiful woman, and, for her, I want to be the best woman, christian, human possible. The relationship has taught me how to express negative emotion in better ways, has taught me more about grace in general. From what she says, I believe we have tutored each other...
Interestingly enough, I became emboldened when my dad started changing. I believe it was because something is knitting itself back together in my heart. Trust. Slowly, but surely.
When our relationship becomes destructive, I'll end it. But I don't forsee that happening...
So here you have it. My life. Thanks for tuning in.