As you know sleep = sanity and I was feeling like roadkill again. I made the mistake of rereading a journal from age sixteen after two years of "madness". I wrote of the women I loved at summer camp, there were many and nostalgia appeared in full force. For the feeling of community there. I am much less social than I would like to be. And then it turned into oh no! God is gone again! (not true). And that turned into shades of existential panic.
Fortunately, these days, the voice of sanity is louder than it has ever been. I told God, and myself, that I would have "faith". That I would trust that the feeling was temporary and that I was sleep deprived and everything would work out. Instead of mourning, or freaking out, I decided to accompany my mom and aunt to a concert at auntie's church.
This has never happened before, the ability to say: "stop freaking out and keep moving."
The concert was good and God seemed to comfort me. And, since it was a worship concert, I actually worshipped. Which, seemed superfluous before like "why does an omniscient, perfect being need us to stroke His ego"?
Short answer? He doesn't. We need to see Him. I, personally, desperately needed to see beauty and purity and love. And, seeing and communing in this way, was nourishing and was a step of faith. It reminded me that it's not all up to me and there is a magnificent transcendence in which to lose the ego.
And, three out of five of the "major" religions recommend losing the ego...
That being said, I didn't want to buy the guy's cd since it was worship thing. But a nice lady decided, out of the blue, to give it to me anyway. I suppose this is either a message or an example of the rampant commercialism in christianity. Mine. And Everyone else's. I think, or choose to trust, that it was a message.
The cool thing I read about depressives is that the worst thing you can do is be nice to them. If you make them function, they can. Because, while depression is an illness, it's also a neural pattern and a pattern of habits. You can't erase the craving to smoke, but you have to change the routines that trigger you too.
God, I believe, understands this and forces me to stretch. Another instance of grace. C'est belle!
Later, I tweeted snarkily about "Christian culture" and auntie messaged me about it... This is going to be a fun discussion (not really) *groans internally*
What is Christian culture?
The fact we honor our itinerant, Jewish Carpenter by singing "Christian" songs, in a "Christian" place and buying "Christian" stuff. I'm bad as anybody, so I can't talk. But my conscience was pricked about money and my relationship to it and the way I waste it. And the way faith can be so masturbatory.
It's about us and Jesus. And our Starbucks and our apathy about problems in the world (guilty as charged).
But I digress.
Tonight was good. And now, I think I'm gonna sleep.
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