Monday, March 23, 2009

Pinch Me!

Granted, the Graham Greene references have been copious in my blogging lately because he's been a project in one of my classes. However, there is so much I relate to with the guy and his work, especially the catholic trilogy: the agnostic nature of his faith, his struggles with morality/his lapsed catholicism, his complex characters and his bipolar disorder (which imho explains the rest of his problems). Sarah Miles is something of a mentor, especially with my history of unwise relational attachments...Today, I ended my own "affair". And, got my dad back. And, my heart. All in one day. It'll be difficult to put into words. It began this morning, and the prayers of my mother and I. This weekend, I decided I would put an end to this "affair" and would also give my dad a letter explaining the anger I had towards him. This morning, my brother was worried about getting through his entire lesson plan while dad was feeling sick. My mom and I prayed first for Lucas, that his day would go like he needed it to go. Then, we prayed, at nine a.m. that dad would feel better before getting my letter. We then prayed I might have the strength to go through with the break-up, and that R and I would not be alone together in the dorm. Because, well, when we're alone, stuff happens. Inevitably.

Today, this love thing was extremely easy. Conversations were rich, full, and real. And I wasn't holding back and I wasn't afraid! Then, R told me she's commuting for a while, her parents want her home. We didn't spend the night alone in this room here together! 

Then, when R and I were finally out of ear shot, with an hour before her mom picked her up, I looked her in the eye, to her face this time, and told her that I want to be with a boy. It was o.k., an amazing feat for someone seemingly unable to confront anyone, and rarely that honestly.

Then, I called my mom's cell phone, cowardly avoiding the home phone lest my dad answer instead. She didn't answer the cell, so I called the house phone. Guess who picked up? On this day, who else? Soon, my dad was apologizing and almost crying, saying he would make it up to me, would fix it, and that we would be friends.

You have no idea how miraculous this is for him to say things like that, to say that he's sorry. You have no idea how long I've needed to hear the words that he said today. It's hurt so long that words can't even come close to touching at the bone. 

I was able to express anger!

And, even to make it more amazing, he said he began to feel better physically right around the time we were praying for him. And Lucas' day when just as good as mine, smooth with the kids. 

This is un-fricking-believable.

And He loves so much. Even still. Even now.


No comments:

Post a Comment